I was in class, sort of keeping an eye on things online when I noticed that someone had been onto Mark’s youtube account. The title of the most recent video, the one he left for me has been changed to something not so kind. But since I don’t remember the actual title I… don’t know what to do about that. I also am not entirely sure who’s doing it and that bothers me.
In other news, Mark’s upset at me for not having transcribed the other piece of paper he left for me before now. I got to talk to him Saturday night. They’ve moved him up state to some place bigger and a little more long term. He’s not happy about it but apparently he had a really bad freakout when he got there, kept saying he remembered the place but he’s never been there before.
He thinks he knows this younger guy that’s in there… but can’t source where. The kid’s a mess. Actually I say kid but he’s my age and Mark’s only got two years on me. Anyway, the guy apparently thinks he “spent five years outside of time.” But he doesn’t know why Mark recognizes him. They’ve got Mark on some pretty powerful medications, he’s mostly asleep, apparently. Still adjusting.
Anyway… I promised him, so it’s time I finished.
Here it is, though I don’t know when it was written and how much is still valid.
I have been trying to write this time and time again for a long while now. I want to start off by explaining that I firmly believe that this thing, “The Tall Fucker” is real. It’s injured me, Brian, Ian and Jon before. It’s because of it that James is gone. I know it’s real. It’s screwed with our minds and complicated our lives. I am still piecing together who I really am and when this all started shortly before my 21st birthday, I thought I knew who I was.
I did not.
What I’m not sure I believe is that I’m somehow seeing through some very deranged woman’s eyes. It’s far more simple to blame auditory and visual hallucinations brought on by a mental disorder or stress. I’ve been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and suspected myself to be Bipolar for a long time. My father used to experience disassociative fugues. It’s sort of in my background not to be stable…. I’m trying to handle my own illnesses but I’m pretty quickly coming to the decision that it’s a losing battle.Last but not least, I’m heavily considering ending my posts to this blog. I have all the answers I think I’m going to get, though I’m pretty worried about Brian, Quinn, Ian and most recently a brief friend from the past. From what I can tell it’s not looking good for Ms. Abbey even if I barely remember her. I remember a lot more than I thought I’d ever get back in regards to other people and I have some long, potentially uncomfortable discussions to have with someone.But the Tall Fucker is a thing of my past…. I saw it first when I was young and it hung on for quite some time, yet now… it’s as if it has lost interest unless I pursue it, or give it some sort of opening. I thought that it gained power through people knowing of it… but I notice that I have less encounters when I don’t think about it or go to places that I’ve encountered it, when I don’t talk about it, bring attention to it… it doesn’t care. The only things tying me to it now are Brian and Quinn… and my own memories. I’ll always have the residual back pain thanks to breaking my spine during one of its attacks, I’ll probably always have holes in my past… but I don’t know that there is any more benefit to be gained by writing about it.
Though I have at least one more story about it to tell. Just not now.
That was it. It was typed and printed out and in that box. The reference to the mute girl and the hints at Brian kind of date it but then again, they could both be very general. Brian’s been missing since July, after all.
Either way, I’ve done what I promised, finally.
I’ve got to go back to class.
I’ve got to go back to class.