Monday, April 23, 2012

My head was pounding and she was singing again. She's like a whisper in my ear, her ringing voice barely audible unless the room is entirely quiet, as my living room was until just now. You know what the voice reminds me of? I swear it makes me think of this anime I used to watch as a kid, Trigun. Mary and I would sit and watch it all the time before she moved off. She was a bit of a tomboy which was probably why I liked her. Girly girls were somehow intimidating back then.

In this anime the main character, a long lived humanoid man trying to settle his past frequently has flashbacks to the image of a woman with dark hair in the distance. She's singing a song called Sound Life. At least that's the Japanese version, in the English version I don't know what the song was called. It's just the one I grew up knowing, so I recognize it more than the Japanese version. Her voice is always far off and soft and she's almost audibly passionate.

It makes me think of that woman, Rem Saverem. Of course Rem's a completely fictional character but next time I start hearing shit like this I'm just going to turn that song on instead and drown it out. Feels better that way. I guess soft voices singing make me think of odd things from my past? 

As always I had those ghost images again only it's more than a ghost image. If I squint I can barely differentiate between the two. I had almost fallen asleep when it began so that I wasn't sure where I was. It's terrible. 

My feet were touching carpet but for this brief moment I was standing on cement. I was in my living room but I thought I was surrounded by crates and boxes covered in what might have been hiragana. It wasn't a romantic lettering. I was *SCARED.* I blinked and things were.. well not any clearer or more understandable but I saw both these weird ghost images and the room around me about equally for another five minutes.

That damn voice stopped a lot faster though. I can almost never hear it well. I just know it's singing. I haven't got a clue what.

Let me sum my life up right now.

  1. I'm probably developing schizophrenia, thus the hearing voices and seeing things. 
  2. I'm suffering a lot of bouts of mania
  3. I have no medications. Not even my pain meds which is why I won't be doing any videos until I get them the day before I go off to the con. 
  4. I still don't clearly understand James' death and Quinn's part in it. 
  5. I still don't know what Brian is up to or who exactly he works for besides 'military.' 
  6. I don't know if this girl whose videos I'm following on youtube is someone I actually knew or if the intense feeling of familiarity is just further failure of my mind. 
  7. I can't get my school life back on track so I'm just going to a con next weekend in Illinois and trying to be a normal geek for a day or two. 
  8. Jon's starting to remember shit and want answers. 
  9. Ian's wanting me to add him to this blog but for some reason I really would rather keep this my very own. 
  10. After that one conversation with the guy named Josh... I never heard from him again. He told me things going on around him. Serial killers, missing persons... and of course the 'slenderman.' I hope he's alright. 
  11. After the night that she left my house I never saw or heard from Stormy again. We never had time to get particularly close but she was under my roof for a couple of days. It's hard not to wonder about someone like that. I don't think I really even understand how or why she came to be here. 
  12. I have some unexplained photos on my computer. They almost look like a camera being pointed up through a burlap sack... but some of them are dark... like it's being covered. 
  13. I still haven't watched the video on my flash drive. I'm legitimately scared to. 
  14. I don't know who Willis T is or what 'walked on the clouds' might mean. 
  15. I'm experiencing a lot of wild mood swings between anger and depression. 
  16. Despite the fact that I have Ian and Jon to talk to (when Jon wants to put up with me...) I feel more alone than I ever have. 
  17. I still know nothing about the thing that is called 'The Slenderman' or the similar looking creature Brian says he saw once while tracking The Slenderman's whereabouts. 
  18. I don't know where I was for pretty much a month or how I got so hurt. 
  19. The plus side? All investigations on me have ceased. Apparently everyone involved has come to the realization that I'm not lying or doing terrible things... shit's HAPPENING to me. Maybe I need to give Quinn that same chance but I still won't answer his calls. 
  20. I'm trying a mixture of reviewing old writings, posts, emails, videos and guided meditation to try to help me piece together my damn memories. Call me crazy (I probably am) but there's always been something to the concept of meditation and I intend to try damn near anything. 

That's all for now. I'll try to post once more before I leave on Thursday morning. I won't have net during the convention unless I find someone with a hotspot on their phone.


I forgot to mention that I finished that list I was making on my wall when I got interrupted. Somehow putting Ian up there slipped my mind ENTIRELY. 

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