Monday, April 30, 2012

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4TwfTUJzL8

This happened Tuesday night/Wednesday morning, before the con.

The below was recorded on Friday of the Con in response to a rumor I had heard from an old con friend about someone that was looking around for me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Raq6qX-tV3E&feature=relmfu

By Wednesday night I intend to have a video up explaining more and a post to follow soon after. Jesus. This is chaotic.
Everyone: I am home. I've got a video from before the con to upload and plenty to post and upload from the con now. This was made Friday night...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Raq6qX-tV3E It's really redundant now but I was a bit unnerved.
Brian: 5y3 47j94 8 3jq8o3e 697 qg975 8w w58oo 7hd9hr84j3e. G75 wy3 2qw 5y343.
Alex and Cenobia from AAndCFromNewYorkToCali/let's find Matt: I've found who you're looking for. And no, I don't mean Matt. You've found your friend... you might change your blog title.

I'll try to figure out what to do here soon....

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Not sure what's happening, actually.

Today I confirmed something... and I'd like to upload the video... but this net is not quick enough right now.


I'm pretty frustrated... there are a shitton of idiots in the room I'm sleeping in right now. I'm considering sleeping in my fuckin car. Genuinely pissed and I don't want to stay in here long enough even to record that webcam video like I promised in the video I got done shooting about an hour back.

This is the last fuckin time I get into a room that isn't going to be clearly labeled NOT A PARTY ROOM.

I don't like all this bullshit and I hate having to leave my laptop in here this is ungodly.

Sorry, people, it's been a stressful day for a vacation.

So much to say no option to say it.

Friday, April 27, 2012

I know what you're saying, Mark up THIS early? Well sir or madam I refuse to let something I couldn't have possibly actually seen keep me from enjoying this convention. I came here for a reason.

TO GEEKERY... AND DEBAUCHERY.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Trying to take advantage of the hotel's internet to upload that damned video from a couple nights back.

It's not even day 1 of the con and I think something is wrong.

I thought I saw someone a few minutes ago but it's pretty fuckin' unlikely that it's them.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Didn't go back to sleep. The paramedics have left and I managed to talk them into not taking me with them. I'll try to post the video but it might have to wait until after the con. I'm so busy but... tonight was terrible.
I had a dream. She wasn't singing or whispering in my ear like usual.

She was screaming in pain. Even so I was not seeing anything that would make a screaming woman's voice ringing in my ears make sense. I stood in a room with a dark hardwood paneled floor. It was square and lit by a series of candles spread out in a circle. In the center of the circle was a man. His head was hung and he was seated in the half lotus. It was clearly some dramatized image of a man meditating. I became instantly aware (mostly because the candles had the wrong colored flames) that I was dreaming. The dream began to fall apart instantly. I KNEW I was about to wake up so I used the first tactic that had ever helped me stabilize a dream as it was fading. I began to walk in a circle, counterclockwise around the candles and focused on the man. When I felt confident I turned to him in a haze and asked him what he represented.

I could not hear my own voice over the screaming.

He lifted his head and spoke with no voice.

I have no way to make you understand what that means but that is what he did.

Half of his reply was drowned in the tortured screeching... which sucks because it was a long one.

I am the ................. never ending never falling......... number sixteen... arcana... the wrong side of karma... seeking forbidden knowledge. 


The Arcana.

Doesn't take scooby doo to figure out this mystery.

The fuck did it mean?

Who am I kidding, I'm just nuts. Bed.

Monday, April 23, 2012

My head was pounding and she was singing again. She's like a whisper in my ear, her ringing voice barely audible unless the room is entirely quiet, as my living room was until just now. You know what the voice reminds me of? I swear it makes me think of this anime I used to watch as a kid, Trigun. Mary and I would sit and watch it all the time before she moved off. She was a bit of a tomboy which was probably why I liked her. Girly girls were somehow intimidating back then.

In this anime the main character, a long lived humanoid man trying to settle his past frequently has flashbacks to the image of a woman with dark hair in the distance. She's singing a song called Sound Life. At least that's the Japanese version, in the English version I don't know what the song was called. It's just the one I grew up knowing, so I recognize it more than the Japanese version. Her voice is always far off and soft and she's almost audibly passionate.

It makes me think of that woman, Rem Saverem. Of course Rem's a completely fictional character but next time I start hearing shit like this I'm just going to turn that song on instead and drown it out. Feels better that way. I guess soft voices singing make me think of odd things from my past? 

As always I had those ghost images again only it's more than a ghost image. If I squint I can barely differentiate between the two. I had almost fallen asleep when it began so that I wasn't sure where I was. It's terrible. 

My feet were touching carpet but for this brief moment I was standing on cement. I was in my living room but I thought I was surrounded by crates and boxes covered in what might have been hiragana. It wasn't a romantic lettering. I was *SCARED.* I blinked and things were.. well not any clearer or more understandable but I saw both these weird ghost images and the room around me about equally for another five minutes.

That damn voice stopped a lot faster though. I can almost never hear it well. I just know it's singing. I haven't got a clue what.

Let me sum my life up right now.


  1. I'm probably developing schizophrenia, thus the hearing voices and seeing things. 
  2. I'm suffering a lot of bouts of mania
  3. I have no medications. Not even my pain meds which is why I won't be doing any videos until I get them the day before I go off to the con. 
  4. I still don't clearly understand James' death and Quinn's part in it. 
  5. I still don't know what Brian is up to or who exactly he works for besides 'military.' 
  6. I don't know if this girl whose videos I'm following on youtube is someone I actually knew or if the intense feeling of familiarity is just further failure of my mind. 
  7. I can't get my school life back on track so I'm just going to a con next weekend in Illinois and trying to be a normal geek for a day or two. 
  8. Jon's starting to remember shit and want answers. 
  9. Ian's wanting me to add him to this blog but for some reason I really would rather keep this my very own. 
  10. After that one conversation with the guy named Josh... I never heard from him again. He told me things going on around him. Serial killers, missing persons... and of course the 'slenderman.' I hope he's alright. 
  11. After the night that she left my house I never saw or heard from Stormy again. We never had time to get particularly close but she was under my roof for a couple of days. It's hard not to wonder about someone like that. I don't think I really even understand how or why she came to be here. 
  12. I have some unexplained photos on my computer. They almost look like a camera being pointed up through a burlap sack... but some of them are dark... like it's being covered. 
  13. I still haven't watched the video on my flash drive. I'm legitimately scared to. 
  14. I don't know who Willis T is or what 'walked on the clouds' might mean. 
  15. I'm experiencing a lot of wild mood swings between anger and depression. 
  16. Despite the fact that I have Ian and Jon to talk to (when Jon wants to put up with me...) I feel more alone than I ever have. 
  17. I still know nothing about the thing that is called 'The Slenderman' or the similar looking creature Brian says he saw once while tracking The Slenderman's whereabouts. 
  18. I don't know where I was for pretty much a month or how I got so hurt. 
  19. The plus side? All investigations on me have ceased. Apparently everyone involved has come to the realization that I'm not lying or doing terrible things... shit's HAPPENING to me. Maybe I need to give Quinn that same chance but I still won't answer his calls. 
  20. I'm trying a mixture of reviewing old writings, posts, emails, videos and guided meditation to try to help me piece together my damn memories. Call me crazy (I probably am) but there's always been something to the concept of meditation and I intend to try damn near anything. 

That's all for now. I'll try to post once more before I leave on Thursday morning. I won't have net during the convention unless I find someone with a hotspot on their phone.

Edit:

I forgot to mention that I finished that list I was making on my wall when I got interrupted. Somehow putting Ian up there slipped my mind ENTIRELY. 

Sunday, April 22, 2012

It's insane but... about a minute and a half ago I went in, put a damned bowl of ramen into my microwave, came into the living room. I did that all in the dark. I heard nothing, I touched nothing but the bowl in the drying wrack and the microwave and the pack of ramen and handle for the water. Yet.. a minute later I am sitting here, reading a possible source for a school paper and out of nowhere the sound of something metal falling onto the floor rings out. If I had hit something and it was teetering why would it teeter a full minute and then decide NOW to fall? Why wouldn't I have noticed? Why am I actually more comfortable staying in this very spot and writing this post instead of going into my own GOD DAMNED KITCHEN. Whatever. In about two and a quarter minutes i'll really have no choice, will I? My fuckin paranoia is back. But who can blame me. I'm seeing and hearing shit *STILL* who am I kidding thinking it's smart of me to go to a public place. Knowing me I'll wake up one morning committed to an insane asylum. Jesus Christ. I'm feeling so alone. But still I've got that lead to follow up about the girl I saw on youtube... and there's the fun project I want to do with my friend from school. Just too much on my plate to do it or think about it and yet I can't focus on this paper due in less than 24 hours. FUCK! And why the hell did I restart facebook? Who am I going to add or talk to? The sometimes AWOL Russian impersonating friend who shot me or the one who kept me locked up in a room for damn near a week? But hey, at least that Cen girl found me on there. No friend request soon, though looking at their blog aandcfromnytocali.blogspot.com I can hardly blame her for being too busy for social networking. The tongue in cheek is getting me in a bad mood.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

I've decided...

If I can't get my life back on track I can try for some normalcy.

There's an annual anime convention in Rosemont, Il called ACen. It's next weekend. I'm going. Not sure you'll hear from me during that time. At the very least I doubt the ol' tall suited and faceless will be out in the city. It's right outside of Chicago after all.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

I may have something here...

I was looking at the youtube channel for Quinn's new friend, that Project Croatan channel. In the related videos section on one of his videos, I saw something interesting, clicked it, and then feeling inspired poked around the related videos section there.

That third video loaded and I think I found someone I recognize. A girl. But I can't place her.

More soon enough, I guess.

So far I haven't noticed any of the shit from last night. That's good but I wish I could get rid of these worries.

Blinking sucks.

I looked at the alarm clock beside my couch-don't ask, but it makes sense if you know how I live-It was pretty clearly 11:30. All I can remember after that was turning my head, considering that I ought to turn on a computer, a light... something. Then, as if I had just blinked, I turned toward the clock again, intent on setting an alarm and trying to nap. Instead it read 1:30. I figured part of the lights in the digital display were gone. When I checked my phone to confirm it actually agreed with the clock.

Multiple times since then, especially when I started writing this, I sometimes swear I'm seeing some sort of... ghost image. It's hazy and I'm never sure where anything is, but it's like I'm looking at another world over top my own. More than that, even when I'm not seeing it I swear I hear a girl's voice. Screaming, talking, weeping.... I never thought I'd say this but maybe I should go back to my shrink. This almost sounds like schizophrenia. But I know I am not this girl, she is not in the room with me and I am not in the room I think I see.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

A rather blah post.

Been a couple of days since I posted. Not much to report really. I'm thinking of seeing another doctor and I'm trying to make up tons of missed work for my classes. My pain medication's running low which will make logical thinking a pain in the ass but whatever.

I think I've found something interesting on youtube but for now I'll sit on my hands.

Speaking of youtube, I looked into the guest that Quinn and company have with them and the youtube channel he seems to run. It's pretty ugly.

I was sitting here just now working on a revision for that English paper that the flashdrive fucked up and I sort of got a bit hazy, couldn't focus. Then the weirdest thing happened. It's like someone was shining an LED light at the left side of my face, I just.. saw a bright light out of my left eye. I looked and no one was in the room and the window I was beside was still covered from the inside. I guess I haven't really gone back to my paper yet because of a mix of nerves and pain. I've got a goddamn headache that could wake the dead.

No progress on who Willis T. is or the meaning behind "I walked on the clouds."

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

"A disturbance in the force...."

After my Spanish class let out for the night I got home around 8:30 and managed to sit around until about 9:30. For some reason I was dead exhausted so I decided to go ahead and crash out on the couch. Normally when I feel like this I can saw logs for about ten hours. I usually do. But this time I woke up about five hours later and I was instantly wide awake, eyes open, queasy and scared. I've just been sitting here ill and focusing to stop myself from vomiting.

It's finally passed.

Don't know what it was all about but I feel better now.

On another note, I speed-wrote a paper for English, trying to make up for all the shit I was missing, the other night. I put it on the flash drive I found in my bag after that whole month of lost time took it to school and uploaded it. Yesterday I went to print that paper out and it was... ridiculous. Certain bits of the text are 100% backwards as if I'd written it out in some sort of mirror text. Some are in all caps, some are in fonts I've never even heard of before, some is just missing entirely. I met with my professor and he told me he had noticed the same. More than that, each time he opened the file the damage to the paper changed. Different sections had different afflictions. He accepted my excuse of, 'must be file corruption.' The hard copy I gave him from the original file was fine so that's all handled but I have no clue what could have done that.

That flash drive worries me and now I *really* don't want to open that video file.

As always, if anyone has any information on someone named Willis T. or a connection to the phrase "I walked on the clouds" please let me know.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

REALLY LONG THREEFOLD POST.

I got to thinking last night after shooting the prior linked video that I don't think I ever introduced myself properly with this blog. Inane thoughts, vague ramblings about a drunken night I doubt I'll ever fully remember... but no proper introduction. I guess this post will be how I do that.

I'm Marcus Jones. I am twenty-one and live in a small town in Indiana. I'm out of the closet, out of shape and always feeling like I'm rapidly running out of time. I study foreign languages, right now focusing on Spanish with future intent to study French and Mandarin. I would love to learn Japanese out of enjoyment of their culture, mostly introduced to me through anime and J-drama viewed online but I don't know how well I'll succeed. I'm a writer but my writing is generally very much garbage. I made a Facebook but only just last night decided to ever use it. I guess I wanted to avoid the bandwagon.

I live with my father in a small duplex, the other half of the house is empty after the tenant passed away. I have two dogs and my biological siblings died before birth. As long as we're being honest, I live through the stereotypical query of the point of getting close to anyone or anything: they either leave or die. However I also recognize mankind is not a solitary beast. The truly solitary become truly beasts. I believe in some new-age type things and some old-age type things. I believe that if the mind can be quieted enough, meditative states are deadly useful. Likewise using guided imagery on them can help, too. I've achieved lucid dreaming but only once while not under the influence of medication. Save for that one time it was always used defensively in the middle of a nightmare. Usually they concern It.

When I was ten I was in my church for a church lock-in. My best friend at the time was the preacher's son and when we played hide and seek that night in the church we broke the rules and hid on the top floor in a small sunday school room together. That night, my friend, Ken, saw something out of the window of the room we were hiding in. He pointed it out to me. It was the outline of a tall man on the edge of the woods behind our church that approached, stopped short of the parking lot and tilted its head up toward us. It was entirely without a face.

We fled downstairs, somehow not injuring ourselves and got split up in the dark church. That night I had my first close encounter with that thing. It was utterly terrifying and it left me unconcious on the church's piano bench. When I woke, despite the fact that every child in the building had been there and saw the same thing I did, no one seemed to believe me. Except maybe Ken, who did not speak in my defense and who stopped talking to me shortly after.

Next was a neighbor girl when I was not yet quite a teenager. I cared about her a lot in that puppy love sort of way. We were playing behind the church because I'd convinced myself it was fine not to be afraid. We did it every day that summer. Then one day it showed itself to me again. It was there, dressed in a suit and tie. It made me physically ill to look at, I remember that. I remember also that she outran me: I was never in very good shape, at all in my life. That night there was a break in at her house. For the next two weeks she refused to speak to me and shortly after she and her family had left without an explanation. The moving trucks must have come in the night.

I think I heard tell that she had moved a state over but I know nothing else about her after that. I moved schools and none of the rumors followed. Trust me, plenty of rumors had started about that day in the woods. I was the class punching bag in a bullying sense, though rarely physical until I would later come out of the closet around age seventeen. Still, I made friends. Brian, Jess, James, Dan, Ian. Through James I met Jon and at a convention a few towns over I met Quinn. It all fell together pretty fast but it fell apart just as fast.

Jess and Dan were the last to encounter it, this thing that had haunted me since I was young. I thought Quinn had never seen it himself, but now I'm not so sure. Even if I was right back then, he's definitely encountered it now.

Brian quickly became determined to fight it and as young teenagers Ian, Brian and I deluded ourselves into believing we could. It did things to us mentally and emotionally. At various times I would watch my friends lose time, days, nights, weeks, on occasion months. Sometimes they would be injured, sometimes not. We never got close to it, it got close to us. It isn't something we can control or physically combat. I say that despite wishing it wasn't true. Quinn tried to help us look for information about this thing but there was so little for such a long time. And then after a period of time... everyone forgot except Brian, Quinn and I. By the time this happened, I was older... I was angry and jaded and I actually hated many of my friends and family.

I'd like to blame that stupidity on this thing messing with my head but the thing was that I, unlike the others, had never been allowed to forget. I could see it at any time, day or night, in my waking hours or in my sleep.

I decided it would be better for Jess, Dan, James, Jon, all of them to forget and be allowed to forget. After all, none of them had ever really helped. Then one night more than a year and a half later, about a full day after Brian had returned from some time overseas, he, Dan, James, Jess and I went camping. It was a dumb decision that I regretted even before we'd lit a campfire because I thought I had seen *It* already. Dan had been unlike himself all night, and the rings under his eyes were nice and thick so we figured he would go to sleep early. Instead he got up and vanished into the woods. We looked for him for hours but no one found anything, no one saw anything.

Brian left some time that night, presumably going to try to find help to find him but stayed gone for a couple of days until he contacted me from a hotel room and told me he'd gotten a couple of pieces of mail he wanted to talk about. I brought my camera, thinking that between this and Dan, all of this was starting again and it was time to get it recorded. The first envelope contained orders for him to deploy, but he couldn't say where or when. The second was photos. Photos of him on his prior mission. Several had been cut or torn, but they were old polaroids.

Brian left and went silent for a long, long time.

Dan had turned up at home with no clear recollection but some sort of a severe chemical burn around his throat. He and Jess remained blissfully ignorant. I continued studying, contacting Quinn who lived out of town and had been trying to set up a network with people who claimed to have seen this thing. I did the school thing and trying to have a life while I waited to hear from Brian. My relationship with Quinn became strained over personal matters.

December of 2010, James and I were hanging out in a public enough place and he was quite simply, taken. I don't know how, I presume there was some sort of violence, but it's rather fuzzy.. Either way we spent some time looking for him and eventually had to give up. One evening days later, I closed my eyes in my bed, fell asleep, and woke up in a completely different room. The walls being paper thin, James and I quickly learned we were neighbors in locked rooms. Our keeper wore a ski mask and worked alone. But he had no special precautions and eventually we saw an opening.

I've told the story of that escape many times before... some hazily, some not so hazily. I'll leave that to you all to remember, no need to reiterate it.

As we left, I heard gunshots. I looked back and saw who was shooting at us and knew Quinn's face very well. I managed to get home but could get no help from the authorities. James turned up dead not long after. Called back by Quinn who told him I was unsafe, Brian showed up at my house.

What exactly happened next, I don't know. Near as we can tell, I was surprised by him and slipped on the ice. I broke my spine, busted my head open. I was stricken with severe retrograde amnesia and parts of my life were lost. A large portion of it was entirely gone, but just bits and pieces of the rest of it. It was so odd that, unaware of the truth, I often fantasized I'd been kidnapped for knowing a secret and had my mind erased of anything relating to it. Now I wonder if Brian and I weren't so alone after all that day, but I'll never know.

Brian left, not wanting to be arrested for being AWOL. He went back to wherever he was on assignment... on assignment to investigate *It* but kept an eye on me.

The rest, as they say, is history. After a few months he started to experience mental and emotional issues, nightmares, night terrors... and so he contacted me, worried that I was in danger. He did it carefully and stealthily and trusted in my love of foreign languages. Unfortunately he trusted the last part too much and it came down to others to teach me what he was trying to tell me.

Life became a duality for months afterward. Things were both right and wrong, facts remained obscured, things I didn't know,t hings Brian told me, things he didn't. At the culmination of it all, he came to confront me and tell me everything and get me to tell him everything. That's when for the first time the thing took me.

Brian's posted in this blog what happened. That says all there is to say about the subject. The car accident was almost certainly not an accident and I don't know what I was going to do. The others were reintroduced to their cluelessness, though Jon still had a dead brother to miss. I continued on in my duality only it was intensified. Sometimes things were clear, sometimes they were not. I would think the painkillers were able to remove enough pain to uncloud my memories but to this day I still don't know if that's what it was.

The rest is FAR MORE recent history and I refuse to recap most of it. I was seeking vengance dressed as justice.

Suffice it to say that Brian did discharge a weapon on me in self defense. Dan was reintroduced to That Thing and Brian has again left the country. Justice or vengeance still on my mind I kept thinking of ways I might still punish Quinn and yet I began to lead a quasi normal life, relying on Ian and Jon and Dan. Dan doesn't talk to me much. Jon only knows so much. Ian has gone through so much. Brian is still gone, and Quinn is off doing whatever he wants. I don't care.

I regret my attitude toward him... but that is the least of my worries.

Now again, for the second time, I've really, truly lost time. A month, after which I was left sore, tired, disgusting and remorseful.

My only clues are the contents of a flash drive I still refuse to look at and the name Willis T. and the phrase, "I walked on the clouds."

I still do not know who Willis T. is or what that phrase might mean. I'm hoping if anyone reads this, they *will* know.

For now, I'm hoping to recapture a life and if I can do that then I can start trying to fix everything, if that is even possible.

Thanks for your time.

-Mark

Monday, April 9, 2012

Taking Stock.



I've added two more cards. Matt, who apparently is to blame for this Alex and Cenobia knowing about this thing. Whoever their fourth guy is I hope he's no one I've ever had the fortune to meet. And one labeled, "Brian's Superiors." I've decided that the strange encounter Brian had with the thing that looked like IT sans clothing is at least not relevant to me. Right now. There's no reason for me to think about something else. My life is falling to pieces around me and Brian is the only one I've ever known to see this other thing. Except for whoever took those pictures.

I'm going to do a large three-part post tonight or tomorrow.

As a note, I haven't got a clue where the pic in this blog's background came from. I'm sure I took it at some point but I couldn't tell you what it was. All I know is it disturbs me less than the last one.

Last but not least... as always if anyone can tell me who Willis T. is or what I might've meant by writing 'I walked on the clouds' beneath his name... please let me know. I've tried to figure it out but I can't find anyone named Willis T. who I've ever known or who seems to be connected to any of this.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

My face is cleared up. I haven't gotten around to finding a new background for the blog or unprivating the youtube channel's videos, much less uploading the videos from In Here Still. Ian and I have just remembered that he apparently uploaded some videos to a channel of his own while he was... mislead, I guess. I don't know what to tell you about that that I haven't already. We're going to leave them up. If there is an answer to be found we'll need everything.

I've been busy trying to get my life together again. I've done my best... but I face losing my financial aid and thus my school.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Last post of the day, I suspect.

I know I still have a few things to talk about and explain but I've made some decisions.

I'm changing this blog's name back.

I'm finding a background that doesn't frustrate and confuse me.

I'm making all videos on Driest Humor public and I'm going to take down the videos from In Here Still and upload them with proper information (time/date originally uploaded.) I'll try to annotate or explain in the description everything that I think I can... but to be honest I'm not exactly any more knowledgeable. You guys have missed some things in my life but not too much.

A failure in uploading

The video, 'No Es Un Hombre' has failed to properly upload. I was, I confess, more bothered to try to find out just how out of order my life was and just recently noticed the failure in audio. I uploaded a correction yesterday but forgot to link it.



This video shows the audio of the voicemail, the whole thing.

Monday, April 2, 2012

My pain medication and I are reacquainted

on a massive scale.

When I finally got up it was some time around mid day. I went into my living room. My father had been home and was unconcious on the couch. On the loveseat were my jacket, my bag, my boots. I remembered that as I stumbled to my bedroom the night prior I'd found my camera on the bathroom counter and went back to look for it, taking my shit with me. On the chip are two videos and some pictures. One video seems to refuse to upload to my computer. It literally seems to show me getting brought into my house and shoved into my bathroom and being told not to move until I heard them leave.

I sounded so calm but what little of that crazy haze I was in last night I can remember tells me that I wasn't. It won't upload properly. Just won't. I'll keep trying. It was supposed to be on the front of the video I'm putting up now, but here it is without it.

http://youtu.be/gno2LB0golY

EDIT: Upon review I found that youtube seems to have butchered this clip. Fuck. Please see the bottom for a link a THIRD video, which will correctly share the voicemail on my phone.


The other I'll include separately from this one, which I just made. It tells just about all that I've been able to glean.


I can say a couple things.

In the other video on the chip, the one that I'm gonna upload and link below, I am wearing a shirt that I can't find anymore. I have to wonder if I wasn't wearing it last night because when I came to, all I had was a bag over my head and a sheet around my body and so much pain.

I also know what the smell was. It's been taken care of now, but suffice it to say I seem to have been less than tidy for the last month. That's embarrassing to talk about so that's enough about it. I don't know why I said that I took the last of my medication in that first clip, but I have not. I suspect I'm just a little um, head in the clouds. The pain is masked but as a side effect I may not be the best judge of my own skills. I also just woke up about an hour ago and I'm not doing too well mentally speaking.

I know I need to talk about a lot of things but I know less than I wish I did and I know what to say about less of that than I should.

Either way, here's what was on the chip, or at least most of it.

http://youtu.be/qrBaafH6YOY


If you click any of these links any time soon it might not be uhh functional. the uploading process is taking forever... my internet seems to have been throttled down and I don't know how/why/when.

I'll add one last thing. The video of myself in the mirror... my face doesn't look like that right now. I'm pretty bruised up and I don't think I know why. I won't show my face at the moment.

The only thing I get when I try to remember what's been going on is this feeling of pushing against a wall with everything I had and it pushing back... HARD. A lot like a car crash you see coming. You do everything you can to avoid it but in the end you have no control. It's like that... like I'm floating. That makes little to no sense as the wreck I'm comparing it to happened before this... whole mess... but there you go.


EDIT: This gives the whole of the voicemail clip. I have no clue why youtube sucks. But there are some things that can only be shown through video and audio and that voicemail is one... it makes me feel... BAD.

http://youtu.be/KYU7yIkVcZE
don't understand. Iii need to find my painnkillerss my tranquilizers I need to find my phone need to call my father. i cant get back up off the floor

s so loud in my head and my head is throbbing, my back is throbbing, my `leg is throbbing words won't form in my mouth gag on them every time i try. feel hungover, but worse. So much more hurt, so much more disgusting something smells horrible something smells like shit and death and i cant fugire out what itis

but its gagging me o

i cant control that

someonewas inhere someone broughtme in here and i dont know if theyre gone gone or want me to thinkso

thi still ahve theb ag theyt had on my head ive got a sheeeet andb nothin else whydont i haveanythin else

if any of my friendnare readingtthis please comee now plea se plase.


i cant see what tim typing giv eup try to ge tup in morning.rr hopee he gets homenad finds me fast think i want the hospital again

gonna try nnonemoretime.